Thursday, November 20, 2014

Tired.

Mentally, I am tired of constantly being in my emotions.  All in my head in my thoughts, regardless of how incomplete they are.  I am tired of being alone with my thoughts. Some of them clear and concise and some of them are rather unclear.  I am tired.  I am tired of having to care and continually caring when it seems not to do any good.  I am tired of caring and too tired to care at the same damn time.   I am tired of trying to be a good person and not always have good in return.  I am tired of being good and it going unappreciated.  I am tired of being open and available with no reciprocity.

Yeah I am tired.  I am tired of being tired.  I am tired of being over it and I am tired of being good and tired of not being good enough.  I am tired of feeling inadequate one moment to be full of praise for another moment.  I am tired of being the bigger and better person.  I am tired of caring more than giving a damn.  The care is just part of who I am but it sometimes dances with my emotions.

I am tired of this season.  I am tired of the valley being so dark dark and I am tired of the lack of light.  I am tired of questioning and not understanding.  I am tired of talking about it and venting about it.  I am tired of crying about it all.   I am tired of trying so hard not give up when in times I just feel worthless.  I am tired of fighting so hard and it not be worth the fight.  I am tired of holding on to just be kicked or pushed down.  I am tired of being strong all the time when I just want to break down and just be. 

I am tired of the lack of romance in my life.  I am tired of love not loving me back.  I am tired of it not being my time of my turn.  It seems like I am ready but shit.  I am tired of constantly giving and giving  and giving some more.  I am tired of being a fool for… I am tired of continually making deposits with no opportunity to withdraw.  I am tired of loving hard and not being loved back.  I am tired of feeling needy and not being needy enough.  I am tired of being there for so many and not having one be for me.  I AM SO TIRED.

I am tired of working hard and not having anything to show for it.  I am tired of nothing feeling free to be me all the time.  There was a time that I spent so much time being what was expected or wanted and again faced in a different manner yet it is the same feeling on a different level.  I am tired of expectations and desires.  I am tired wanting more than what is given.  I am tired of wishing and hoping.  I am tired of trying to be optimistic and give into the brighter side of things.

I am tired yet I continue.  I keep on keepin’ on.  I just have to keep on hoping and acknowledging that I am not in this alone.  I just have to believe and know tired is just an adjective while and adjective is simply a noun. It is all relevant.

1 comment:

1ManView said...

You know when a person gets tired, they have to take a break to break the cycle of being tired. Relax and just flow with what life gives you. Forget about covering all the bases, just cover the ones that are important to you. Then once when you are rested, hopefully things will be better.

peace and love
1ManView

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