33 and Single

33 & SINGLE

I am one of those women that is not a huge fan of getting the wedding invitations in the mail. damnit another one is generally my first response. It is not really fair to say that I'm not a fan but I do initially have some kind of resentment. Although, I am genuinely happy for the person(s) I can not help but to reflect on myself and as to why its not me. Just being honest. I think my circle of friends are wonderful women. talented. good looking and smart. Of course I believe that they all deserve to be happy and have love. On the other hand, I feel that way about myself as well.

MAYBE... I am not needy enough. I am not dumb/smart enough. I do not put on enough pressure. I prefer not to settle. I am not who I have needed to be for a man. He was not man enough. He wasnt tall enough or dark enough. I wasnt thin enough. He was simply not the one. He didnt love love or I didnt love me enough to love love. He didnt love himself enough or I didnt love me enough.  I am not clingy enough or too clingy. I dont prove that I care enough or respond the way he likes/wants. He is just not that into me or into me that way. I slept with him too soon or made him wait too long. It wasnt the right time for us.  My fantasy world clouded my view.  We lacked compromise. We didnt have the chemistry for long term success.  My issues.  His issues.  He lives too far and the distance was overwhelming.  He doesnt even know my name.  He is in a situation.  He didnt feel as if I was together enough.  My mouth was a turn off and I am/was too aggressive or not aggressive enough.  He didnt want to be the man and lacked backbone. He lied. I lied. We werent honest as to what we expected from each other. I expected too much or not enough.  I want too much.  I wasn't patient enough.  It's not in His plan for me or not right now.  There are all sorts of reasons and/or scenarios.  I just simply don't know.

I guess I haven't found the right one. I meet men all the time and everywhere. I generally like to go with the flow. No pressure and a little pleasure. Take the time to get to know someone and feel them out. Spend some time and learn each other. I don't immediately try to lock him down or keep bringing up committment. I like for it to just happen mutually. Again, No pressure. Lets just enjoy the ride. Lets enjoy some beer, chicken wings and possibly some football. CHILLAX!  I like to take it easy.  I generally need the warm fuzzy feeling.  It's my chemistry feeling that alerts me as to my level of interest.  I am what my bestfriend calls as a different breed of woman.  I know all women typically make this statement and if I a nickel for everytime I heard a woman tell a man that she is different... but really I generally approach a situation with a man without any expectations initially.  I go with the flow and try to follow his lead but I do recognize a dead end when I see one and that guy is generally just right now and not the right one.  However there have been times when I thought my warm fuzzy was boilling over and I exhaled allowing myself to give into him.  I allowed my guard to fall down and let him in and once upon a time but I still try to stay open.

Why are you single? So, when are you going to get married?  

What are you waiting for?  What's wrong with you? 

 

Shit dude, I dont know but in my positivity I say, its just not my turn or I havent been ready for him or he hasnt found me yet or God doesnt think that I am ready just yet.  I once heard someone say that she enjoyed being able to clap her hands when Cameo ask for the SINGLE LADIES CLAP YOUR HANDS - ha!!!

 There are people in my life that tend to question my status on a regular basis. I do not think that they are being mailicious by any means. Some seem somewhat concerned while others seem to just be nosey.  I dont really have answer for the questions but it is genrally a good topic of conversation.  I dont really mind the conversation but I do want folks to know that as much as I want to have a special someone and one day be married that I am not desperate or willing to settle.  I dont feel the need to settle for someone for the sake of saying that I have someone that may not be worth having.  It's serious to me and there are a few deal breakers but I know relationships aren't perfect.  I am not naive to that fact.  I believe that there is someone made especially for me and I hope to be ready for him whenever he comes.  I have some wonderful qualities and some not so stellar attributes that make me human but I am fully capable of having love, being in love and being loved.  I am open to it and I want it.  I want it with the right person.  My very own Mr. Right.  I am 33 with no kids (though I do not think that I am particularly interested in having kids of my own at this point but that is another post for another time or you may read HERE).  I am nurturing and caring.  I get all the way involved when I am interested in a man. I try to be myself all the time within reason. I have been learning to listen more than I speak.  It's important to hear what is said and feel the moment.  Mission is not all the way accomplished yet but it is a work in progress.  I am a woman that has learned to love me more each and every day.  In order for me to have the love that is for me I have to have lots of love for myself which I havent always had but thanks goodness I am not the chick I was in my 20's.  Growth is an awesome attribute and makes me proud of me. 

I am ready and I am trying to be open to allowing love to come my way.  It's kind of tough when your heart has been hurt.  When you have invested your time, energy and heart to be disappointed.  I dont want to seem bitter when those around me that I love deeply marry or have come into a love of their own before me.  I am genuinely happy for them and it continually gives me hope. I believe that one has to be free of all negaitivity to allow positive things to come to them.  It's true that  bitter root will produce bitter fruit.  Hopefully one day it will be my turn not to have to check the single box anymore but for right now  

                                                          I am 33, SINGLE and HAPPY which is all good. 

Single In This City (LA): Top 10 First Date Ideas

Recently a friend said that since I have been having such problems, issues and minor dating blemishes that I should try a dating site. I am not sure how I feel about it but I will take it into consideration. In my research I have found that most sites require you to share your credit card info. I do not think that I am that much in need of a man to pay someone to find me one. After all what are my friends good for? I read on a dating site that these were the best first date and my thoughts on each let me know what you think and should I join a dating site? Have any of you?

1. COFFEE SHOPS: intimate and totally informal – not too mention I LOVE COFFEE! Great for conversation and some shops have events such as spoken work, live music and/or Karaoke

2. Restaurants: Cool and again can be intimate and informal depending on the location. Conversation over fool is nice but it also depends on the place and the company. There is nothing like having to sit through a meal with someone that you find not mentally or physically stimulating.

3. Romantic Walk: Possibly after we have had a few conversations but uhm… I am not sure how romantic you can be with someone that you don’t know. I guess it depends on the initial chemistry. Luckily there are very public beaches in LA.

4. Parks: on a nice day – cool. Kind of carefree and can be very relaxing but then again it truly depends on what park – LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

5. Live Music: it’s cool but there is not much chance for conversation and all that yelling over the music or HUH!!! Not so much. It also depends if it is a mutual interest. But the communication via the body is somewhat promising. IF one pays attention there is much to be noticed/ observed.

6. Comedy Club: personally I AM NOT A FAN but I suppose some may be. Then there is that little something called a drink minimum.

7. Zoo: I am so not sure how I feel about this but again I guess it depends on the person. I may need to reflect on this one. Not too mention I do not think that I am that chick.

8. Bowling or Playing Pool: I’m such a fan. I think these are great and I enjoy them both. Fun and a little competition. Relaxed and allowing self to be self.

9. Amusement Park: Has anyone seen how much it cost to go to Six Flags, Disney or any other park? Now this is an investment and you better hope that you already know that you like this person. You have to save like it’s a vacation – not so sure about this one but I would like for someone to take me to Knotts Berry Farm.

10. Movies: Cool and I like movies but again has anyone seen how much it cost to go to the movies and please sneak your own snacks in her purse because you will go broke trying to get a popcorn, hot dog, nachos and a drink forbid that you want some twizzlers too. And I need a guarantee that I am going to like the movie.

Better hope that you date is worth the investment.

Single In This City (LA): The Open Door Policy

Tall enough to climb with broad shoulders attached to big arms and thick enough to hold all of me but those lips… Ooooh his lips – full, moist and immediately seemed sweet to my taste buds (+5). My mouth watered. His hat hung low and initially all I could see was his lips and then he walked all the way up on me. As he looked down at me, his eyes smiled as he put a toothpick in his mouth looking me over. I watched and did the same discreetly behind my shades. I made a quick step back to check out his shoes and they were cool but I preferred better but he was workable nonetheless which was confirmed by the moistened reaction below (+10). He could get it, went through my mind as I looked him in his babied face. I immediately asked, “How old are you?”

He replied, “27. How about you?"

I stated that I was 30 and he said, “Really? I’m cool if you cool."

I nodded as he pulled out his phone. I gave him my number and went on my way with desire for him to call. I felt him watch me walk away and I made it quite the show.

Met him on a Wednesday, played phone tag, conversed briefly and made double date plans for Saturday day which was cool (+5) especially since we were doing this you bring your friend and Imma being my friend thing. We met up at his friend’s house for the adult double, exchanged casualties and prepared to depart. We (my friend and I) agreed to ride with them and be in this together. You know folks are crazy these days and you should always proceed with caution. We all walk over to the car and I stood in front of the door as we all were conversing. His friend opened the door to let my friend in the car and he jumps in the car (-5) leaving me to let myself in the car. I made eye contact with my friend and mouthed point deduction and we laugh under our breaths. He looked around and curiously smiled. I think it went over his young head. Once we arrive at the outdoor center and parked, I look over at my friend but her dude was already opening her door and I’m sitting there and again have to let myself out (-10). His friend jokingly called him out on not getting my door and he chuckled saying damn my bad while looking at me. I looked back with a short smile and thought to myself – This has to get better but of course you know better than to date a youngster. Realistically there is not much of a difference between his 27 to my 30 but the mentality.

We all agreed upon a movie and he got our tickets. As we continued to converse we walked up to the door and he opened it right away (+5). He carried himself as a gentleman until we got seated apart from our friends. I watched him look me over and do his best not to rub on me as he passed provocative compliments. Honestly, I enjoyed this part which confirmed that my preparation was not in vein. I made sure that my legs looked right. The weather cooperated with a sista and made it possible to wear a short summer dress which encouraged me to maintain all the hair while moisturizing with natural Shea butter for good shine in my 3 ½” stilettos. Not to mention I am continually thankful for 15 years of Track and Field. Every time he reached I made sure to blushingly let him know that it would cost him and if I was lucky it would have paid off but that is a totally different post. The cost wasn't necessarily be financial but again I think that went over his head (-2). The conversation was kind of minimal but what was said was not all that inspiring. He managed to share that he wasn’t really working (-2), had two small children under the age of two (-2) and he was between cars (which translates to not having a car (-2) and the reasoning behind this adult double. But even still he had a little something to him that would allow me to look past ALL of these flaws just so that I could get me piece. I had already decided that he didn’t have long term potential but his youth could be fun and damnit I wanted some - again that's another post for another time. We watched the movie and he fed me some sound good  lines that actually worked in his favor (+3).  They were beneficial for what they were sound goods and I needed to feel as if giving him the goods would be ok but when walked out of the theater I noticed that he wasn't really walking with me so I slowed my stroll as we approached the door and he opened it, went through it and then held it open for me to come through (-2). In my head I said, damn dude, you really don’t know how to do and what kind of broads you have been dating – ugh! I’m so not them and I need you to get this together. Gee, you are making it really hard for me to make giving you some be ok. So, as we walked to the car we carried some pointless conversation and I decided to mention the open door policy in a softer yet firmly provocative tone making reference to his point deductions. We laughed and he made sure to open the car door this time (+2). Good Job.

In a later conversation he stated that opening the door for a chick was not something he was use to doing but respected that I was different from the chicks that he had been use to dating. He liked that I was a lady and it made him want to treat me as such but it wasn’t something sure if he would want to do it all the time. I explained to him that it was courteous and it spoke volumes to me. Not too mention you never know how you will be rewarded in the long run. There will be more about Mr. 27 because there was more to this date.

To some this is not an issue nor is it a big deal or deal breaker but for me it is all the above. In my heart I believe that chivalry can only die if I decide to let it. It is one of those small things that count for so much and I like to be treated chivalrously. I do acknowledge that some are not taught and it may not be a part of who they are. I also acknowledge that mothers/fathers are younger therefore grandmothers/grandfathers are younger. They are not generationally in tune with courtship or may not have an appreciation for roles of man and woman and yes there are roles. However at some point, we cannot allow our respect for one another change just because society says that this is not necessary. I believe that we should hold ourselves in higher regard than that. WE should all be a bit more courteous and respectful. Even if it’s different and not your norm. There is something to say about some traditions and some should remain but it is mainly about etiquette for me as far as the door is concerned. A man opens my car door to let me in and in return I reach over and open his door. It’s just how it should go. It is what I am accustomed to taking place. It is in my upbringing. I saw my grandfather almost always do it for my grandmother and my father almost always do it for my mother. Sure, I can open my own door but I am not too independent to allow a man to be a man either. I want and expect it to be done for me too. Am I being unreasonable? Help me out!

The Dating Game: Is Chivalry Dead? Part 1

Whatever happen to long walks, good conversation sharing our likes and dislikes, long phone calls of no you hang up first? Whatever happen to coming to my front door, ringing the bell instead of text messaging when he got outside asking me to come out? Whatever happen to a man and woman going for coffee, ice cream, breakfast, lunch or simply dinner and a movie? Whatever happen to actual courtship?

Is Chivalry and Courting Dead?

Chivalry and Chivalrous are used to describe courteous behavior,

especially that of men towards women.

The art of consideration, being courteous, faithful, honorable, devoted or courtly.

I am sure that this may be foreign to some and not as useful to others. It seems that times have changed and we have strayed from old school courting. It is rather ironic that I refer to courtship as being old school within itself but as always it is what it is. I am not sure when the transition of courtship fell by the way side but seemingly it has as a whole. Don’t get me wrong they are not all gone and I am fairly certain that some do participate in this courteous behavior but as a general society it is not as common. I know this because I very rarely meet a man that invites me out for a cup a coffee, a movie or dinner.  I have been invited but there has been a lack of follow through which may be partly my fault to an extent as I have not pushed the issue but that is another post for another time.

Once upon a time I recall guys wanting to go to the beach, the movies or at least Fatburger for a night out.  I was at least be upgraded from McDonalds or Wendys however I love that damn Chikfila. You would laugh and talk and get to know each other. By the end of the date you were fairly certain whether you wanted to make them your boo see them again. There was an outing and it didn’t even cost very much since that seems to be a concern but there was some sort of initial process of compatibility. It was not laying up at the house pretending that we are going to watch a movie. 

I inquired to my friends on FB if people date and if chivalry is dead. Yes it was a large question which had several layers within but they do coincide whether we decide to believe it or not. I have to say that I was rather taken back by the responses that I received and when I heard that so many men know how to be but don’t do unless she is worth it or you have to be really into her. Wow. What qualities make her be worth it and how do you know if you are really into her if there is not any real conversation and/or date?

…Or maybe we can see a movie

Or maybe we can see a play on Saturday (Saturday)

Or maybe we can roll a tree and feel the breeze and listen to a symphony

Or maybe chill and just be, or maybe

Maybe we can take a cruise and listen to the Roots or maybe eat some passion fruit

Or maybe cry to the blues

Or maybe we could just be silent…

I have to say that I believe that a man should pursue a woman although there is not anything wrong with a woman knowing what she wants but a man should be the one to assume the role of pursuer. Don’t get me wrong. I have been known to approach a man and I have been known to be the pursuer initially. However I do allow the roles to reverse afterwards if he is man enough to handle it. Either way, it all starts with an initial attraction. There is generally something about someone that sparks your curiosity. Whether it is their looks, their “swag”, his bald head and shoulders or her freckles (smile). Some are simply a little more in tune with their nose so it could simply be their smell – yeah I said their smell, after all my grandmother always says a woman is suppose to smell good and so should men (matter of fact that Issey Miyake is FIRE and I know it wherever I am – it catches my attention). It is always helpful and can get the pheromones going. A possible introduction and/or potential conversation should follow with a possible exchange of contact information also known as getting the digits (do folks still say that?). We still have these two steps in good use but this is when it gets a little problematic. After we exchange numbers it seems that the initial conversation is lost. I can count on my fingers and toes how many times I have heard someone say “imma call you” and either they don’t or they send a text. It is not the same. Ladies do this too. I understand that technology is so great but what happened to talking on the phone instead on texting. Damnit, call me. Talk to me. So much can be misinterpreted in a text that can be said with your voice and be fully understood. I go by a persons’ word. If you say that you are going to call – call. When you don’t follow through then it is a reflection of your character and you are easily not of your word. (My opinion and yes I have been guilty of this too but again this rant it for another post - stay tuned). A conversation can go a long way and it shows some interest on both parts. It allows you the opportunity to decide if you even want to be bothered with the initial date or investing the time or money on a person. Which leads to setting up the actual date, Yes I said date – that is when two people go away from their homes on an outing so to speak. I know this again may be foreign to some but they are essential. I say that they are essential because they give each the prospect of being on an even playing field and truly see how a person acts and/or reacts. Each is able to share in the experience of being a mutually comfortable and encourage the two to interact with each other.

…Let's take a long walk around the park after dark

Find a spot for us to spark

Conversation, verbal elation, stimulation

Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations

Elevations, maybe we can talk about Psalms in entirety…

All of this sounds good and in a perfect world it would be how it is but unfortunately this is not always how it the process pans out. We don’t always take the time to get to know each other and see if there is possible compatibility. We don't always take the time to be out and about and see how a person is.  We don't have conversations to get to know more than his pipe potential or her cup size.  Saying allof this say that it would be safe to assume that we as  society have lost site of courting.  We are all out of touch with the rules of dating and common courtesy as a whole. Some of us know how to but do not always take the to just do so.  It seems that we have all succumbed to the playing games and pointing the fingers at someone breaking the rules.  We hardly ever take the time to review the rules to the games we play.  The dating game is full of rules and consequences. In any game there are winners and losers. Some of get a head and some of take shortcuts.  It is all about how you position yourself and play the game. It would just be nice to be a bit more gracious and courteous when we decide to play.

Vibe with me.