Friday, October 2, 2015

My Birthday Eve – Reflection

TIME is an amazing thing.  The things that are learned and gone through in time.  At this point in TIME in my life… Where do I start? 

The chick that I was in my 20s was not comfortable in her own skin.  She didn’t love herself the way she should of and looked to people and titles and status for validation.  It ruled and ran her.  She lived in her own fantasy world where the lies kept her whole and established.  She didn’t have to deal with herself or just be herself.  One day it all came to an end.  People made it about them but it wasn’t.  It was only about her and shoe she needed to be which is me.   The woman that I am now and steadily striving to become is still flawed.  She still makes mistakes.  She has some wonderful attributes. She is a fighter and survivor.  

I have gone through some things.  They say that you are always going in, through or coming out of something.  There is always something going on.  While there was a time that it was always and never about me in the same time.  I have been blessed to have been in apposition that I had to deal with me.  Learn me acknowledge me and just get comfortable with me and being me… with and without…    I am grateful for that transition.  Within that I finally found a happy medium with me esteem of self and my body image.  I lost about 75-85 pounds and up and down at the last 15.  I have started gaining weight again but that is due to some other stuff but that is another situation for another TIME.  The struggle is a constant real thing but I am finally comfortable in my own skin. GRATEFUL.

Life has a way of happening with TIME and putting things in perspective and realizations.  I live in my emotions.  It is who I am and I do not apologize for it.  I try to be a good person.  I make mistakes.  I am human and I am not perfect but then again no one is but HE.  I have flaws that I am in tune with that I am working on and some I am not.  I do not apologize for that either.  I am grateful that I am in a place where I can realize and recognize my good with my not so pleasant that I refuse to call bad but moreso human.  I shut down and try my best not to react.   When I do react, it is often not in that situation but in a compiled matter of things that have built up in my shut down to conflict. I do not do conflict.  I can’t and choose not to.  All that will come will not belong to that individual situation.  Not the best but it is who I am.  I grew up with people (family) that maliciously said things in moment that will never be able to be taken back.  I heard them in those moments.  They hurt and I refuse to hurt someone else with words that cannot be take back once spoke.  This tongue can get malicious and I am a beast with my words and I know how to use them.  I choose not to.  CHOICE.
 I am often scared to let go and release all my emotions but I am in need of cry… a release on so many levels.  I am sure that there are so many places that I can take this but I will save it for a few more post.  TO BE CONTINUED.

Since my daddy died, I feel men differently.  I am not sure that I am ready for that post but it out there and I will have to commit to completing that thought.  I am waiting for the words.  I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy.  I never had to question or doubt his love for me.  EVER.  He was flawed and he was not perfect but he was and will always be my hero.  I miss him.  I miss his life and all of our opportunities and potential.  It is sometimes scary to me that I cannot hear his voice anymore.  There are times that I do not feel him and there are even times that I hate that he is gone.  He left me and took pieces of me with him that will forever be incomplete.  He was the man of my life and just pray that though I believe that I am ready for love.  Thanks to my father I know that there is a type of love that I deserve.  In my life upgrade, I am upgrading my deserve level.  I deserve so much more than I accept.

OK… Here I am raw and transparently in my emotions.
It’s getting late and it is almost my birthday…



Newy said...

Happy birthday Sis....we are all a work in be continued...that is how everyday is. <3

Freckles said...

Thanks Newy - striving to be better all the time.

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