Monday, April 30, 2012

mind movement - pardon the ramble

so, i am just sort of up right now and i really should be sleep since i have to get up for work in about 5 hours. craziness. i am just laying here well not really laying but i am here nonetheless with my eyes open and my mind moving. i am all over the place emotionally, drained mentally and i am just so tired. i am just so tired. tired all of the time.  i feel emotional all of the time.  i do my best to hold it all together and i do my best to be there for everyone. it is so much easier to be for other people.  i don’t really have a focus at this moment.  i need improvements. 
things in my head tend to move fast all the time and every now and then people can catch it all over my face.  i am often so in my feelings that i cut off from people.  i pull back which is not the right thing to do all the time but i just need to be able to hear him but i feel like i am missing something. 
as grown as i am, im not which is kind of crazy too.  i often feel all alone in a world full of people. not that i am the only one going through anything but again the selfish me is on in my feelings and my self pity that i am not open.  the last time i opened my heart it got broken and i am having a hard time completely getting over it. there are times when i am just cool with it all and then there are times that i just miss what i thought we could have been. all that i wanted us to be.  that too may have been all in my head. 
i just feel alone. alone in my thoughts, feelings and my desires. i don’t really know what i am suppose to be doing with my life but i do know that i need more money and more ambition.  i need some passion and hope.  i need to not feel so alone when i am so blessed to have people in my life that love me and genuinely care about me.  that is awesome.  though some of my closest relationships feel strained or just kind of different.  have you ever just wished that things were as they use to be and/or there was really an easy button?  i need some easy.  i need some give.  i really need to stop all this damn crying.  my nose swells when i cry. 
my mother is super amazing.  she doesn’t know how strong she is and that she is so much like her mother which is funny because i am so much like her.  i am grateful to her and she keeps me from really giving up.  i owe her so much and i just have to be better.  do better.
i saw a lady that lost her husband a couple of weeks ago cry and be comforted by her daughter. everyone around seemed so caught up with the mother that they didn’t think about the daughter. losing your father changes you forever.  it makes you have to create a new normal.  i know that feeling and its tough.  i miss him every day. i would give anything to just hear his voice.  i wish that my daddy was here and that is selfish.  i swear the day that he died a piece of me did too.  it just seems so final well i suppose that it is but it has been almost 3 years.  though it is easier to deal with day to day – it’s the random moments of sadness that consume me.  they throw me off. i miss him.  i wish he was here.  i wish that i could hear his voice and sometimes i just want to talk about it but decide against it and just hold it in and keep it to myself.  how many times can any person hear me go on and on and on about my daddy? i am sure there are people in my life that wouldn’t mind but i am already enough of a burden. anyway i am tired. pardon the ramble.

1 comment:

Mahogany said...

Wow u and I are so similar in our thoughts. As I was reading this I had to stop and make sure it wasn't me.

I know exactly how it feels to not really be alone but feel absolutely alone and think that no one has experienced this pain. But the truth is although we all share the same types of hurt on the out side the inside is what matters and no one really feels the precise feeling of pain as u feel it in your heart. All we can do is commune and share our stories in hopes that a glimpse of our brightness will shine on someone that really needs it.

I too have lost a parent and I often wonder to myself how my life would be different. If I had one last conversation what would I say. you say u keep ur need to talk about ur dad to urself , but It's healthy to talk and im sure anyone who loves you wouldn't mind listen or joining in.

I also keep my thoughts to myself and refrain from talking about mom but its because she was so loved that any time someone begins to talk about her you can see the gloomy shadow come over the room and the once happy joyful faces become sad and sullen at her memory. it really is heart breaking to watch. its been 7 yrs since and the mention of her name still gives the same effect.

well I hope sharing some of my life has helped see that ur not so alone as u may feel .

Thank you for sharing your mind

sorry this is so long .....

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