mind movement - pardon the ramble

so, i am just sort of up right now and i really should be sleep since i have to get up for work in about 5 hours. craziness. i am just laying here well not really laying but i am here nonetheless with my eyes open and my mind moving. i am all over the place emotionally, drained mentally and i am just so tired. i am just so tired. tired all of the time.  i feel emotional all of the time.  i do my best to hold it all together and i do my best to be there for everyone. it is so much easier to be for other people.  i don’t really have a focus at this moment.  i need improvements. 

things in my head tend to move fast all the time and every now and then people can catch it all over my face.  i am often so in my feelings that i cut off from people.  i pull back which is not the right thing to do all the time but i just need to be able to hear him but i feel like i am missing something. 

as grown as i am, im not which is kind of crazy too.  i often feel all alone in a world full of people. not that i am the only one going through anything but again the selfish me is on in my feelings and my self pity that i am not open.  the last time i opened my heart it got broken and i am having a hard time completely getting over it. there are times when i am just cool with it all and then there are times that i just miss what i thought we could have been. all that i wanted us to be.  that too may have been all in my head. 

i just feel alone. alone in my thoughts, feelings and my desires. i don’t really know what i am suppose to be doing with my life but i do know that i need more money and more ambition.  i need some passion and hope.  i need to not feel so alone when i am so blessed to have people in my life that love me and genuinely care about me.  that is awesome.  though some of my closest relationships feel strained or just kind of different.  have you ever just wished that things were as they use to be and/or there was really an easy button?  i need some easy.  i need some give.  i really need to stop all this damn crying.  my nose swells when i cry. 

my mother is super amazing.  she doesn’t know how strong she is and that she is so much like her mother which is funny because i am so much like her.  i am grateful to her and she keeps me from really giving up.  i owe her so much and i just have to be better.  do better.

i saw a lady that lost her husband a couple of weeks ago cry and be comforted by her daughter. everyone around seemed so caught up with the mother that they didn’t think about the daughter. losing your father changes you forever.  it makes you have to create a new normal.  i know that feeling and its tough.  i miss him every day. i would give anything to just hear his voice.  i wish that my daddy was here and that is selfish.  i swear the day that he died a piece of me did too.  it just seems so final well i suppose that it is but it has been almost 3 years.  though it is easier to deal with day to day – it’s the random moments of sadness that consume me.  they throw me off. i miss him.  i wish he was here.  i wish that i could hear his voice and sometimes i just want to talk about it but decide against it and just hold it in and keep it to myself.  how many times can any person hear me go on and on and on about my daddy? i am sure there are people in my life that wouldn’t mind but i am already enough of a burden. anyway i am tired. pardon the ramble.