Got Me So *%$#*! Up

It started off with random text messages during the late night hours with mild sexual innuendos in which I chose to ignore and charge it to drunken texting.  Maybe he didn’t mean that for me. No worries.  Then the too long hug as a greeting or goodbye.  Response:  The firm smiling pull back and playful push or hit went unnoticed or uncared for which lead to after hour invites, facebook remarks and ugh comments at the house function. In rebuttal or absolute effort to salvage the wonderful friendship conversations began to be more frequently about other undesired advances – one in particular about a mutual acquaintance which seemed to yield his behavior for a while but little did anyone know that he was setting up for the whammy.  

He went all the way beside himself and lost his mind.  He attempted to cop a feel, rub a leg, then an arm, caress the stomach and an accidental purpose filled braise of a nipple.  

Dude! Seriously. 

You ain't slick homie.  

So your bad.  Soooooooooooooooooo your bad.

Dude, so not into you like that.  You are so into the friend zone that you were the reason that the word platonic was created in the first place.  There is absolutely no chance of ever being anything other than the big homie.  Dude, if I had a dick it would go limp at the thought of being anything more than your friend with no hope of hardening.  My nipples tuck and hide when I look at you.  There are no thoughts of any sort of sexual anything and realistically a chest to chest hug is truly pushing it as it is now.  There is no tinge of desire.  Dude, all moisture evaporates until my skin begins to itch from dryness but I can’t scratch for feat that someone would think that I had an issue. My back, neck and shoulders tense up immediately as if they expect something unpleasant whenever you are around.

You are just a friend.  however at this very moment you are truly pushing the category.  You kind sir will ONLY ever be JUST a friend. Period. Exclamation point with no question mark.  If you can’t handle your role- say that and we can shake hands and go our separate ways with no hard feelings. 

GET IT TOGETHER. Please and thank you.