Tired.

Mentally, I am tired of constantly being in my emotions.  All in my head in my thoughts, regardless of how incomplete they are.  I am tired of being alone with my thoughts. Some of them clear and concise and some of them are rather unclear.  I am tired.  I am tired of having to care and continually caring when it seems not to do any good.  I am tired of caring and too tired to care at the same damn time.   I am tired of trying to be a good person and not always have good in return.  I am tired of being good and it going unappreciated.  I am tired of being open and available with no reciprocity.

Yeah I am tired.  I am tired of being tired.  I am tired of being over it and I am tired of being good and tired of not being good enough.  I am tired of feeling inadequate one moment to be full of praise for another moment.  I am tired of being the bigger and better person.  I am tired of caring more than giving a damn.  The care is just part of who I am but it sometimes dances with my emotions.

I am tired of this season.  I am tired of the valley being so dark dark and I am tired of the lack of light.  I am tired of questioning and not understanding.  I am tired of talking about it and venting about it.  I am tired of crying about it all.   I am tired of trying so hard not give up when in times I just feel worthless.  I am tired of fighting so hard and it not be worth the fight.  I am tired of holding on to just be kicked or pushed down.  I am tired of being strong all the time when I just want to break down and just be. 

I am tired of the lack of romance in my life.  I am tired of love not loving me back.  I am tired of it not being my time of my turn.  It seems like I am ready but shit.  I am tired of constantly giving and giving  and giving some more.  I am tired of being a fool for… I am tired of continually making deposits with no opportunity to withdraw.  I am tired of loving hard and not being loved back.  I am tired of feeling needy and not being needy enough.  I am tired of being there for so many and not having one be for me.  I AM SO TIRED.

I am tired of working hard and not having anything to show for it.  I am tired of nothing feeling free to be me all the time.  There was a time that I spent so much time being what was expected or wanted and again faced in a different manner yet it is the same feeling on a different level.  I am tired of expectations and desires.  I am tired wanting more than what is given.  I am tired of wishing and hoping.  I am tired of trying to be optimistic and give into the brighter side of things.

I am tired yet I continue.  I keep on keepin’ on.  I just have to keep on hoping and acknowledging that I am not in this alone.  I just have to believe and know tired is just an adjective while and adjective is simply a noun. It is all relevant.